Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your . . . Tail?
Once upon A Time, there was a Young Lady who was bamboozled by an Ugly Ass Witch, whilst minding her own business; innocently frolicking about The Fairy Forrest (you know The One, it’s about a mile south of The Walmart next to The Interstate Exit) partaking of Beauties revealed by means of the Gracious Summer Sun, alone. The Young Lady was naively lured into the Ugly Ass Witch’s trap by an enchanting display of Beauties False, and she was snatched up and locked away in the Ugly Ass Witch’s highest tower, deep in heart of the forrest; dense and dark . . .
From morning till night, the Young Lady was sentenced to the mindless task of compiling the Ugly Ass Witch’s notes on linguistics and the ontology of logical positivism into a publishable manuscript, reconstructing fallacious arguments as if they embodied Truth, itself; so as not to offend the Ugly Ass Witch’s Fragile Ego. She took her sentence in stride, however, and secretly composed her own philosophical treatises by candlelight after her day’s work was done; fueled by the simple delight of ripping the Ugly Ass Witch’s arguments to shreds at the phenomenological level – in a Lady Like Manner, of course. She knew that No One would read her work, as she was locked away in that skank nasty tower, dank and damp with all sorts of allergens. But she took pride in her work, and gave Nary ‘a F*ck about what Anyone would potentially think of her pontifications.
The only day break afforded the Young Lady came sometime between 4:15 and 4:30 when the Ugly Ass Witch would bring her some Piddly Ass Bread and Dirty Ass Well Water. One afternoon, about two years into the Young Lady’s sentence, the Ugly Ass Witch noticed that the Young Lady’s hair had grown to great lengths; without a split end in sight. Jealous of the sheen, the Ugly Ass Witch birthed some Bullshit about how the Young Lady’s hair would soon grow in length as high as the tower; so that the Young Lady could let down her hair from the window in the hopes that a Big, Strong Prince Man sitting atop a Girthy White Steed while sporting a Bedazzled Cod Piece, would climb up her luscious locks and rescue her. After years of composing the Ugly Ass Witch’s manuscript, the Young Lady knew not to point out the hole in her logic – what is the Big, Strong Prince Man riding in atop a Girthy White Steed while sporting a Bedazzled Cod Piece to do once he’s scaled the tower walls? He’d be just as trapped as she. “Eww gross,” replied the Young Lady, “that most certainly is not what I was thinking. Honestly, I really wasn’t thinking of anything much. You advised me against that, remember?”
“Silence! Enough of your nonsense, Young Lady! You will shave your head every morning! And I will inspect to see that you’ve done so every afternoon when I deliver your daily Piddly Ass Bread and Dirty Ass Well Water!”
So the Young Lady shaved her head every morning, and the Ugly Ass Witch fastidiously checked her bare scalp for hair every afternoon. Confident that she then had complete control over the situation, The Ugly Ass Witch eventually grew slack in her inspections, and stopped checking the back of the girl’s head. Further along in this tale, the Ugly Ass Witch merely poked her head in the room to glance at the state of the Young Lady’s scalp. The Young Lady found an opportunity in the Ugly Ass Witch’s inevitable negligence (inevitable, given her conceited nature) and took the Ugly Ass Witch’s own fear of her hair growth to heart. But, she took that fear to the next level, and The Young Lady resolved to grow a rat tail which she would chop off and braid as soon as it grew as long as the height of the tower. Her tail slowly grew, and as it grew she hid it underneath her shirt. After eight years of unnoticed growth, and a few close calls wherein her tail fell from its bunch underneath her shirt to the floor, the Young Lady was ready to execute her plan. Late one night, she chopped off her rat tail, braided it, and tied it to a wily nail jutting out from the poorly constructed window frame. She grabbed her own treatises, carefully climbed down the tower wall, and Freedom was hers! The Young Lady set out to the outskirts of the Fairy Forrest, so that she may now wisely frolic about; partaking of Beauties True revealed by means of the Gracious Summer Sun, alone; resolving to never again be bamboozled by an Ugly Ass Witch.
Along her travels she happened upon a Big, Strong Prince Man galloping towards the Ugly Ass Witch’s highest tower atop his Girthy White Steed, while sporting a Bedazzled Cod Piece. Given her shaven head, the Big, Strong Prince Man did not recognize that the Young Lady was in fact THE Young Lady, and inquired about her status in the Ugly Ass Witch’s highest tower. “Oh yeah, dude. I know about that tower,” said the Young Lady, “I hear she let some of her luscious hair hang down from the window in the hopes that a Big, Strong Prince Man riding atop his Girthy White Steed, while sporting a Bedazzled Cod Piece, would pass by, and pity her delicate, vulnerable condition enough that he might scale the tower walls to her rescue by means of those luscious locks; so as to Bless her Heart. I hear that a good time to visit is sometime between 4:15 and 4:30 in the afternoon.”
“Why thank you kind traveller! And best of luck on your path! I am off to save the Young Lady from her own condition! For obviously she can’t do it herself!”
“Word word . . .”
And Everyone lived . . . well, they lived Ever After . . .
the END !!
Copyright Keli Birchfield 2016